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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up? Or is there like, a number to call?

(2)

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart.

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Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

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The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes zipper pouch

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Part of me says, "I should stop drinking like this." But the other part of me says, "Don't listen to her, she's drunk." Cocktail Napkins

Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend. Cocktail Napkins

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I'd rather arrive late than ugly zipper pouch

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part of me says I should stop drinking like this, but the other part of me says don't listen to her she's drunk

If Target had a bar, my life would be perfect.

they should put more wine in a bottle so there's enough for two people

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I'm stuck somewhere between I need to save money and you only live once zipper pouch

I hate it when I put something in a 'safe place' and basically lose it forever zipper pouch

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Not only do I dance like nobody is watching but I also drink as if I don't have to work in the morning. Cocktail Napkins

Mimosas are nothing but trouble. One minute you're eating breakfast, and the next you're sending, "You up?" texts at 2:30 in the afternoon. Cocktail Napkins

When I saw you drinking wine I knew we would be friends. Cocktail Napkins

I just grabbed the milk from the fridge and I'm pretty sure I heard the wine say, "what the hell?"

My body asked for water, but I gave it wine instead, because nobody tells me what to do. Cocktail Napkins

Some women like to be wined and dined. I like to be margarita'd and queso'd. Cocktail Napkins

I used to be cool, now I'm a tiny person's snack bitch zipper pouch

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Yesterday I quit drinking, but tonight we celebrate my comeback Cocktail Napkins

I don't know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what - I've never been sad at a Mexican Restaurant.

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are we having drinks or dranks? i need to dress accordingly

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If you ask me if I want a drink and I say, "No", please ask me again. I was just shy the first time.

(1)

I'm outdoorsy in that I like drinking on patios.

Parenting Hack: There are no hacks. Everything is hard. These kids don't listen. This is your life now. Godspeed. zipper pouch

As soon as you say, "My child would never," here they come nevering like they never nevered before.

After I say, "That's crazy" twice, please wrap up your story. 100 sheet sticky note pad

After I'm done snacking, I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a black jack dealer

(2)